Nowadays I'm kinda stress with everything. Want to read more about my story? Let's click read more to read it further! :)
I always say 'black is my happy colour', but not for this time. I'm wearing black outfit and I want to tell you sad story (for me this is sad). So here's my story...
My significant other has terminal illness. It makes me so damn sad, I even cry everytime I remember about him. I love him so much eventhough sometimes he makes me upset. I'm so much afraid if one day God takes his life (I DO really hope and pray it won't happen). Losing the people that I really love is one of my BIGGEST fears. I won't be ready for it forever. I have faith that he will totally healed soon despite of my fear of losing him. Just can pray for the best. I believe God has the best plan for us, we only need to have faith in Him and pray. I want to let His will be done in this thing, not my will. My feeling was mostly sad and it overwhelmed me for more than 1 month since he went to overseas for medication. Sorry I can't tell you who is the person, but you can guess it by yourself.
So many another things make me sad. I feel like have no strength to fight this feeling anymore. I overthink everything. I make things become complicated. I make small problems become big. It's like everything makes me sad. Thank God I'm not depressed in this time, just sad feeling. I often think about my past and it also makes me sad (I know I shouldn't think and be sad of my past because the past is in the past). I'm afraid of my future because next year I'll graduate and have to think about where to work, what kind of job that I want, or should I study again, what major that I want to take, etc. Also I'm under pressure because of my pre-thesis (in Bahasa: proposal skripsi). The words that keep replaying on my mind is: don't act like I don't have God. I need to trust Him, totally surrender and release everything to Him. I realize that nowadays I rely on my own strength, not God. That's why I'm tired of controlling this negative feelings and thoughts.
And I got so angry with my friend who told my another friend about my secret, a secret that I even still can't accept why it had to happen to me. She betrayed me too by telling others about my weakness (actually I've changed, but she talked like I haven't changed at all in front on my friends) and telling them that she didn't like me. The stupid thing was my other friends trusted her bullshit and it made them become dislike me. But in front of myself, she is so kind, it's like I don't have any problem with her and indeed, I don't have problem with her but she is backstabbing me. She doesn't has close friend so she wants to get friends by exchanging people's secrets or even slander people to be accepted by people whom she told the secrets with. Not only me who became the victim, some of my friends also did. But I forgive her because I'm forgiven by God. It's not fair if I don't forgive her because my mistakes and sins are way much greater than some mistakes that she did to me, yet God forgives me. I also want to practice love to her by praying for her. Love keeps no record of wrong. Forgiving people who hurt me doesn't change them, but it changes and heals my heart. Hating people means like you're swallowing poison but you hope other people die because of the poison that you swallow.
Jeans: Forever 21
Infinity scarf: H&M