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Lately I'm so anxious about my final assignment (making a research) in university (in Bahasa: skripsi). I should collect chapter 1-3 of my skripsi (chapter 1-3 is called proposal) on August 7th which is next week. I'm so anxious because I feel like I can't do this. I guess I'm too stupid to do this proposal. I cry and feel hopeless almost everytime when I make this. I even cried in front of my parents which was I've never cried in front of them since 7 years ago. It sucks! I want to make research using quantitative methods which is I really hate this method so much. Why do I choose quantitative over qualitative methods because if I choose qualitative, I'm so bad at interviewing people, I can't do probing well. Also all people admit that qualitative is more difficult than quantitative. So yeah, I choose quantitative forcefully. I'm not a type of student who always get A grades. I guess I'm not clever at academic things. So many pressure nowadays and it makes me feel like want to escape from reality.
I hate my major for some reasons. At first I chose this major because I wanna be a clinical psychologist (yes, my major is psychology). But when I was on 4th semester, I changed my mind because of some reasons (I still didn't hate this major at that time). Then on 5th semester, I learned about quantitative research method, statistic, experiment method, psychometric which were I really hate these subject so much. Since I was kid, I'm so bad at mathematic so because of some problems happened about this, I have trauma. And when I'm on 5th sem, this was the first time on university I learned mathematic again since the last time I learned was on high school. And psychometric is the most difficult subject in my major. So many students fail in this subject. My biggest fear since I entered university is fail to pass any subject, especially this freaking subject (psychometric). Then it happened. I failed on this subject. It makes me have deeper trauma about this. It made me so depressed few months ago. And now I should read some words that taught in psychometric subject when I make this proposal. I can't do this :( I even choose to die rather than making this proposal or skripsi lol. Gosh I hate my major so much.
Failed on psychometric, and have another problems in this univeristy make me hate this major. And oh, when I'm on 5th sem, I started becoming fashion blogger and entered many OOTD competition. It made me want to change major into fashion major but it's too late to move. I feel like I'm wasting my time to study the major that I hate. I regret it so much.
Thank God I can do chapter 1-3 with some help from my friends but I still have to complete chapter 3 which is I don't understand how to make it for some parts. But still, even I almost finish my proposal, I wish I could change my major. I think I need to be grateful with what I have now. I can study in one of the famous universities in Jakarta, I want to count it as a blessing (even now for me it's like a curse lol *not that excessive though). I want to believe that I can do this because I have God who gives me wisdom and strength, and helps me to do this proposal.
Scarf: Forgot where to bought it.
Legging: Forever 21